What's that old saying? Ah yes, I believe its "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." That phrase seems to be coming to mind a lot as we enter the month of April and one of my favorite days: April Fools Day. Now, I tend to be known as somewhat of a prankster, the kind of guy that thrives on a good practical joke, immature or otherwise. But the problem is, I seem to have a history of good jokes that somehow manage to backfire in their execution, causing panic, fear and internal scarring, rather than the intended laughter. I have good intentions… give people a fun joke to remember, but something always seems to go wrong. (Or I am just evil… as I keep telling my kids.) Remember this incident?Several days ago, Little Calvin came to me with one of the worst things he could say.. "Dad, I am unprankable this year.. you just can't get me on April Fools Day." I'm, sorry Son, that's a CHALLENGE… and a creative challenge which I thrive on. I suddenly had a mission to prove him wrong, and give him an April Fools day to remember! Now, the child is 9, which means I don't have to go over-the-top in my planning. All those stereotypical, immature, fun pranks of my youth were coming in handy. I seran-wrapped his toilet, put food coloring in his breakfast milk to make it look disgusting as he poured it, loaded his school backpack with giant, heavy books so he could barely lift it, and flipped his computer desktop upside down, and short sheeted his bed (which he'll discover later).
But just as I was finishing my set up, I suddenly had a fun idea: buried deep in his closet from many years ago, were some Star Wars full sized cardboard cutouts, one of which was Princess Leia holding a blaster out as if she were shooting you. I thought it would be humorous to stick this in the hallway so that as he came around the corner, he'd see it, jump a little, then laugh because it was a Star Wars character. All innocent fun, right?
As it turned out, when this morning came, I had left early to go teach my seminary class. My wife yelled from the kitchen for him to get up and start getting ready for school. He complied and got up without turning the lights on. As he came around the corner, bleary eyed and not at all focused on reality, all he saw was a person at the end of the dark hallway, dark and ominous, aiming a gun at him. Obviously, he went into panic mode, and when my wife got out of the shower and came to check on his progress, he was huddled in the corner sobbing giant tears and scared out of his mind. It took her 30 minutes to get him calmed down enough to begin his day.
When the phone call came in to me from my very frustrated wife, and her message that I should not mess with someones deepest, darkest fears (having a bad person in the house is one of Little Calvin's) I felt horrible. Like I said, I intended it to be a little jump and a "ha ha Dad.. nice…" but instead I may have traumatized him for life.
Way to go… Dad...
But sadly, this is not the first time one of my pranks has gone askew. Several years ago, and in my former job, I had a friend that worked for me named Brian. And Brian HATED needles. Just the thought of them would make him queasy and light headed. At the end of March, after years of trying, our co-workers finally convinced him to conquer his fear and donate blood. This was not an easy task for him! It took a lot of doing! By the end of the blood donation, Brian was sick to his stomach, about ready to faint and sick for the rest of the day. His wife had to come drive him home.
Fast forward several days to evil me, wanting to come up with a good April Fools joke for each member of my staff. What better joke to play on Brian that to try to convince him that he had to go through this whole ordeal all over again. My plan was simple.. I was going to have a female friend call him on the phone acting like she was a nurse from the local blood bank. She was to simply tell him that there was a problem with his blood donation (it got lost, the bag broke, etc.) and that in order for him to receive credit for the donation, he'd have to come donate again right away. Then I could watch him go through all that paranoia and annoyance of having to repeat the whole ordeal.
But that's not what happened. As it turns out, my friend playing the nurse on the phone, was not the best actress in the world (no offense, Tracy…) and had a hard time with improv. What ended up coming out of her mouth was "There is a problem with your blood, you need to come down and see us right away!" By the time poor Brian got off the phone, he seriously thought he was dying and just about had a full fledged panic attack on the spot, at the thought of what could be so wrong with his blood that they'd have to call him. Needless to say, when he discovered it was all a joke, he wasn't very happy with me and my little "harmless tricks".
One more…
Years… and years… ago, back in my Ricks College days, I was hanging out with some friends. It was very late at night and I was supposed to be working on a readers theater project with my friends Lori, and Rebecca from the Forensics team. But somehow we got distracted and began the art of evil plotting a fun little prank.
The concept was simple… we'd call my roommate, wake him up, and make him think there had been some crazy, random phone system glitch. When he picked up the phone, he'd suddenly be listening to some random conversation between two strangers. Even as he said "Hello?! Hellllllo?!" he'd suddenly realize that while he could hear the other end of the conversation, they could not hear him. He'd then realize he was privy to a conversation between to unknowing people.
And what was this conversation? My friend Lori played to role of a hysterical baby sitter, who had apparently lost her patience with a baby, shaking it to its death (holy cow… this sounds horrible as I type this… I WAS evil…). Rebecca was the sympathetic friend she had called for advice. Through the tears and the pain of the panicked conversation "What to I do?! Do I call the police?! Should we hide the body and run?" my poor roommate, suddenly had to decide what HE should do? Should he keep listening? Should he hang up and try to forget he ever heard this? Should he call the police, and if he did, what would he tell them? Was this some heavenly intervention through a phone glitch that allowed him to know the truth of a dark secret? Thoughts constantly swirled through his head.
Eventually, he opted to just hang up (after which the 4 of us all busted up laughing, completely oblivious to our traumatizing behavior on others) and in the wee hours of the morning when I finally got home, he was still up and concerned at what he should do. While I don't remember exactly what he did, when he found out it was just a fun little joke, I know that we kept him traumatized for quite some time.
Sure, today is meant to be fun, a day of laughs with our family, friends, and co-workers. But (and I am speaking to myself) let's make sure that the stunts we pull aren't going to do too much future damage to the poor recipients.
Oh, and to the countless hordes of people who have been vowing revenge on me for years for all my various pranks, just know that I am leaving the country this afternoon (Yeah, right).. wont be back for a looooooong time, hopefully after your short-term memory has faded a bit.. Today is about me pranking YOU.. not you getting revenge on me!!!!
Now… Happy April Fools Day!
