Living Life as a..... Dentistphobe

Throughout my life I have come to a conclusion: There is true evil in the world. Forget Freddy, forget Jason, forget Jeffry Dahmer, Darth Vader, or Garghamel... Drive down the street, down that dark alleyway, past the black cat and under the ladder and you may just find the most vile of all places, so scary it can induce grown men to screaming fits of tears in .003 seconds.. yes, you know that place all too well: it's your dentist's office.

I remember going to the dentist as a child. I opened my mouth, as a fully trusting child only to be given something that caused absolute pain. At the tender age of 5, I don't remember what it was that he did, but I remember it hurt. A lot. So my mom got me out of that evil place and soon found another dentist.. a "child friendly" dentist. There we went, surrounded by the huge Silos of the Coors Beer factory to this new office. I still remember the frightening waiting room, the light pouring in the south window as I sat there awaiting my fate. And what became of that appointment? Far WORSE pain than I received at the first dentist.. The whole scene permanently etched into my brain, never to be forgotten. And so we returned to the original dentist.

I still remember the route we took from my childhood home to that dentist. I could still drive it in my sleep today. Why? Probably from the dread I felt driving down the road, pinned to the window of the car, finger tips stretched against the glass, as if I was being driven to my execution. I remember one day, on the way to the dentist, it was 2 in the afternoon, and black as night outside, with tornados raging through the area. I should have taken that as a sign.. Stay away from the dentists... They are purely evil and with that black as night storm, I knew the good Lord was trying to tell me something... stay away! Run for your life and never return!

It also didn't help that regardless of how much I brushed... how much I flossed, every time I saw the evil guy, I had multiple cavities.. My dorky sister, never had squat. I seemed doomed to suffer in that chair forever. I remember going to the dentist in August of 1990. I had just graduated from high school. I was getting ready to begin my 2 years as a church missionary to Texas. It was the last dentist appointment while under my parents roof. And the relief that came over me upon leaving was wonderful. Good bye dentists forever!!! It should be no surprise that I didn't go back.

Fast Forward 16 years. Yes... That is right.. 16 years. Call me a slacker.. call me a procrastinator, call me chicken.. whatever.. I wasn't going near that evil breed. But finally, in 2006, I made a resolution: I would face my fear, and begin regular routine dentist visits yet again. (Ok, it wasn't a resolution exactly.. it was that giant pain in my mouth, bearing down with an extremely infected tooth, but.. same thing). Actually I had been in a dentist chair once, a few years back, but that guy seemed to have the same philosophy as the rest of the dentists in my life: no pain, no gain. So I, once again said "forget it!" and never bothered to make another appointment.

This week, I actually had my third dentist visit of the year. Sure I was out cold during one having a tooth (the infected one) removed and don't remember much of anything (According to my wife, I woke up from surgery babbling about Disneyworld, but I don't remember a thing), but IT COUNTS as a dentist visit. This week I actually endured my first filling in 16 years.. and I am glad to say.. I survived. I did learn a few things from this filling.. It takes a heck of a lot of novacaine to numb my mouth!!! That could explain so many painfully experiences as a child. It took the dentist 30 minutes to actually numb me up, he couldn't believe it.

I also learned that dental technology has changed a lot in 16 years. It was actually an experience I tolerated. Sure, I paid the price in soreness later that day as I believe every muscle in my body was fully tensed as he drilled away, the nurse commenting on the whiteness of my knuckles as I gripped the chair. But, I survived. I am still alive. The dentist hasn't killed me yet.

The most bizarre thing about the whole appointment confirmed a long held theory: My iPod has a sick sense of humor. I brought it to listen to tunes to keep my mind off what was really happening, and when set on random, with 2500 songs to pick from, what does it play right in the middle of the procedure? Bill Cosby: "The Dentist".

So are dentists still evil? The jury is still out. Instead of considering them as Jeffry Dahmer types.. I now see them more as.. Dr. Evil types. Still diabolical, but maybe one step less. maybe.